Hello, dear friends 🙂
Perhaps you thought I was dead?
I certainly FELT dead…off and on.
And so hopefully this is a true return.
Many months.
Stops and starts.
I was reminded just tonight of the appendectomy I had one year ago.
What a blessing to have received urgent medical care.
But I never would have known at that particular time (upon my first and only self-directed trip to an emergency room) that my appendix needed attention had it not been for my anxiety.
Horrible anxiety.
Debilitating.
I sought medical help for extraordinarily high anxiety.
And the prognosis?
“You need to have your appendix removed.” 🙂
Not exactly what I was hoping to hear.
But I made it through.
My first and only surgery.
Praise God.
And I powered through.
If you will remember, it was a mere three weeks before my graduation with an MBA.
Three more weeks I had to push.
Fresh out of the hospital.
I had to hunker down each day and research.
Study.
Write.
Churn out papers.
PowerPoint presentations.
Research solar power.
Water purification.
The Maghreb.
Sertão.
Sanhedrin.
Sahara.
MENA.
Middle East and North Africa.
Not to be confused with Mena, Arkansas (sniffy woe).
Presentations.
Transhumanism.
Ivan Raszl (well, not yet).
How Hillary ripped off her campaign insignia:
Neither here nor there.
But suffice to say Ray Kurzweil. Jeremy Rifkin. Zoltan Istvan.
Bad dudes.
And by this calculus a commodius vicus back to Elon Musk and environs.
Yes, I am back.
Back to that blabbering drivel.
That dithering dithyrambic style you know and love.
And I am fighting.
Not just anxiety, but drug addiction.
Prescription medicine.
It’s what happens when we max out our dosages.
We take as prescribed (more or less).
We take the right amount.
But the “as needed” turns into “needed all the time”.
And so I have been blessed to recently receive psychological help.
For anxiety.
Not my first time (big surprise), but the first time I’ve had a real counselor.
Someone who cares.
Someone who’s qualified.
Someone who gives a shit.
Someone with the chops to help me attack anxiety.
My cousin died.
It scared the shit out of me.
43.
Heart attack.
Three years older than me.
Fuck.
Yeah…
And then I magically was prescribed heart medicine.
On top of cholesterol medicine.
Real fucking fun.
All of this shit freaked me out pretty heavily.
The death of my cousin was a supremely shocking occurrence.
Was I next?
Was I going to wake up and find myself dead???
Well, fear not, dear friends.
Yes.
During the course of my therapy, my shrink deduced that I was indeed addicted to multiple medications.
I didn’t really realize my addiction for what it was.
I knew I was tethered to my medicines, but I had no perspective on the matter.
And so we started slow.
Hey. How ’bout not taking that third of a sleeping pill to relax…hours before bedtime, fuckface?
Ok.
And hey. How ’bout you get to bedtime and maybe you only take half a sleeping pill?
Sleep.
Sleep was the first fix.
You gotta have a bedtime.
Be your own army sergeant.
Pick your time.
A “lights out” time.
And stick to it.
Every damn night.
Midnight.
Lights out.
It took awhile.
I wanted to remain with the world.
Wanted to stay up-to-date.
On the off chance that some kind word would make my soul bloom.
And set an alarm, you lazy moron 🙂
8 a.m.
Ok.
Better than TWO P.M. 🙂
Set that fucking thing.
And WAKE UP.
You’re tired?
Too fucking bad.
Now what???
You stay awake for the next 16 hours, that’s what!
So when midnight rolls around again, you’re pretty tired.
But you get a second wind.
So you push it.
And you gradually rack up weeks of 6 hours.
6 1/2 hours.
On average.
But the goal is 8.
Not 7. Not 9.
8.
After WEEKS of this shit, this finally settled into a cradle.
A groove.
The string settled on the nut.
Or the bridge.
Notch.
Sleep. Nutrition. Exercise.
The “holy trinity” of psychological health.
I had been an insomniac for decades.
A pro musician.
Starting gigs at 1 a.m. in New Orleans.
Fucking crazy.
But now I have an MBA.
And I need to straighten the fuck up.
Sleep came.
Slowly.
Tired as fuck.
Torturous.
But you gotta FORCE YOURSELF to stay awake.
Every damn day.
Finally, these past few days I am getting 8 hours.
Was it a month of sleep deprivation?
Six weeks?
Probably.
But it was worth it.
A hard-earned victory.
Nutrition.
Fine.
Eat boring.
Eat country vittles.
Be good.
Eat your fruits and vegetables.
Don’t go for the dozen glazed donuts.
Or raspberry jelly donuts.
I know you can eat a whole dozen glazed by yourself.
But don’t fucking do it.
It’s nasty.
Disgusting.
You don’t need to be in that mindset.
And exercise.
First thing in the morning.
Walk.
Hey. How ’bout you double your exercise amount, dipshit?
Ok.
Walk in the evening too.
Twice a day.
And how ’bout STANDING UP when you feel a panic attack coming on.
Yeah, that’s right: get out of bed.
Get on your feet.
Don’t ball up into the fetal position.
Don’t hide your head under the covers.
Don’t wait for the panic attack to pass.
No more being a bitch to benzodiazepines.
Time to breathe.
Big breath in.
Throw back those shoulders.
Chest out.
Tighten the butt.
Lower back.
Stand up straight.
Hold it.
For God. For country.
Like a Marine.
Salute.
At attention.
Pop that breastbone.
Tension.
Pops sternum.
I’m not dead.
I’m a crazy motherfucker, but I’m not dead.
And my crazy? A lust for life.
A return.
“You can always come back/but you can’t come back all the way”
Yeah.
It is sheer folly to try.
But it is “life or no life”.
I am blowing the harp.
I am singing.
I am playing the country blues.
I become real acquainted with Robert Johnson.
‘Cept I already tried to sell my soul.
Years ago.
And God forgave me.
Because Jesus short-circuits the wrath of God.
So now I am onto an opioid drawdown.
Tapering.
Returning to a dosage I last mastered 7 years ago (and no time since).
So it soothed my brain to go back to this movie.
A sheer masterpiece:
National Lampoon’s Vacation.
Dana Barron makes me happy 🙂
Reminds me of love.
When we were in high school.
And the rare God miracle of falling in love with a girl from a couple streets over.
That miracle.
Those tie-dyed times.
Long since dusty and moth-eaten.
Let’s start with the aw-kward Family Truckster.
Metallic pea 🙂
The green latrine.
Not an auspicious start.
“You’re gonna see a sign that says, ‘Rib Tips'” 🙂
This was Trump era.
Think Melania.
Christie Brinkley.
But nothing is better than Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie 🙂
Quaid owns this role.
Drives it into the ground.
Slam dunks it.
The laconic redneck.
Piss-perfect.
“Vicki, can I help you with that Kool-Aid…please.”
“REAL…tomato ketchup, Eddie???”
And the white shoes which act as time machine and talisman.
Future past.
From another century.
Something that’s crossed over.
Houellebecq.
But I got new respect for law enforcement.
And I got huge respect for American military.
Military City USA.
San Antonio.
Here we are.
And these crazy times of FBI.
Las Vegas.
What do you want to believe?
I have turned off the medium which slapped me daily with the message.
I don’t give a fuck about the FBI.
I don’t give a fuck about the CIA.
A useful bit of wisdom at times.
Nay, I am not even really following politics at the moment.
Fuck it.
Fuck these people.
A bunch of losers.
But, regardless: I don’t have the extra capacity…the patience.
I gotta get myself healthy.
So fuck it.
FBI, do your job.
CIA, stop being such bastards.
I don’t know.
Is that fair?
Which is to say, I’m a nobody. A nothing.
But at least I know that.
And I can crawl from beneath my rock and give thanks to God.
I can give thanks that nobody has whacked me.
“50 yards…”
Aunt Edna on the roof 🙂
In the fucking rain.
Yep.
That is a rich scenario.
“I thought you were going to tell me your were in the CIA.”
“What, me??? No…not anymore. A long time ago. I don’t really like to talk about it.”
Beverly D’Angelo is really good.
Anthony Michael Hall is solid.
But Chevy Chase really ties the room together 🙂
AND RANDY QUAID.
God…
Harold Ramis directed a rather perfect picture here.
No shame.
This is fine filmmaking indeed.
-PD
paulydeathwish 