This is not a film review.
This is many film reviews.
Or rather, this is a review of Netflix, Inc.
Which, at the present time, is wasting your monthly fees (and mine) on subpar programming.
In the action genre:
-Silver Streak (almost good, but ultimately unwatchable)
-Barbarella (total bollocks…just like its watery “activist” star Jane Fonda)
-Good Guys Wear Black (sorry Chuck Norris, but this film sucks)
-Robinson Crusoe On Mars (sadly, no)
-Young Tiger/Rumble in Hong Kong (schlock by any other name…is still schlock)
-Return to the 36th Chamber (the Shaw Brothers are immensely overrated)
-Invincible Shaolin (ditto…crap)
-Bring Me the Head of the Machine Gun Woman (epically unwatchable)
Yes, dear friends, I am a tough critic.
But this is to balance out all the things I call “masterpieces”.
When I say it, I mean it.
Children and family genre:
-The Nightingale (almost good…but ultimately unwatchable)
-Looney Tunes: Back in Action (thoroughly bollocks)
-Nancy Drew (a far cry from the Bonita Granville days…and, hence, total crap)
-The Parent Trap (the original…it’s not them, it’s me [in this case]…no verdict)
So generally another genre stuffed with wasted revenue.
-The Fly (not a classic…and not good)
-Out 1 (kudos to Netflix for getting some Jacques Rivette…but N.B. to the programmers…Out 1 is NOT AN HOUR-AND-A-HALF LONG…what the fuck version of the film is this?!? The real film is 13-HOURS-LONG! And the shorter version FOUR-HOURS-LONG! Epic fail, Netflix!)
Comedies (hold on to your hats!):
-Good Old Boys (unwatchable South American fare)
-Opening Night (immensely daft mise-en-scène)
-This Isn’t Funny (the title says it all…and it’s filed under comedy…not good)
-News From Planet Mars (bollocks)
-Fan Girl (bollocks)
-The Kidnapping of Michel Houellebecq (les bollocks)
-Adult Beginners (forgettably-bad)
-Dial a Prayer (nice try, but shite)
-Free the Nipple (I’ve discussed the bollockness of this one elsewhere and I stand by that decision)
-Basic Sanitation, the Movie (less-than-bollocks…rubbish!)
-Len & Company (woeful…horrible)
-A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence (quite possibly the worst film ever made)
-Rainbow Time (sad…amateur…not even close to watchable)
-Atomic Falafel (torturously-bad)
-Klappe Cowboy! (hell no)
-Buddies (bizarre…but unwatchable)
-Hirschen (extreme ennui)
-Brahman Naman (pitiful excuse for a motion picture)
-Love Me (maudlin excess to the point of unwatchability)
-Wet Hot American Summer (overrated shite)
-Scrooged (hasn’t aged well)
-The Beaver (can’t age [and decompose] fast enough)
-Say it Isn’t So (it isn’t)
-Tommy Boy (I feel bad insulting this film…but worse watching it)
-Lion Heart (had potential…but it just didn’t cut the Grey Poupon)
-Blind Date (yes…blind me…so I don’t have to watch this piece of shit!)
-St. Vincent (hipster fail)
-Only the Lonely (even John Candy couldn’t save this flick)
-Eisenstein in Guanajuato (almost great…but ultimately not even good)
-Price Check (pretty sure every Parker Posey movie sucks eggs)
Can you stand that much negativity???
Well, obviously I’m a tough critic (to reiterate)…but let’s roll on…through the multitudinous ways that Netflix is wasting your hard-earned cash.
-John & Jane (almost great…ultimately not even good)
-Ukraine is Not a Brothel (pitiful excuse for a film…propaganda should at least be artful)
-Marias: Faith in Womanhood (it’s not you…it’s me…or maybe it’s you…no verdict)
-kink (the decline of the West…artlessly documented)
-The Land of the Enlightened (not good)
See, that wasn’t so bad?
-Wet Bum (had potential…but ultimately daft…soggy…etc.)
-The Wonders (ugh…)
-No Quiero Dormir Sola (como se dice “unwatchable” in Espanol?)
-It Looks Pretty From a Distance (suicidally-boring…at any distance)
-The Nun (even Pauline Etienne can’t save this one…)
-I.D. (pathetic Indian flick…unimaginative…dire)
-Where the Road Runs Out (no way)
-Hector (almost…but ultimately…no thanks)
-Petting Zoo (ashamed to say this one hails from my city [San Antonio])
-Nymph()maniac Volume 1 (Von Trier is a talentless hack)
-Miss Stevens (bad bad bad)
-Before I Disappear (fucking horrible)
-The Girl in the Book (no)
-Lovelace (almost good…good concept…bad film)
-Stations of the Cross (intense…and boring…bad combination)
-The Other Sister (are there any OTHER other sisters? please???)
-In Your Eyes (ugh…dire viewing)
Ok…so we see a lot of money being thrown at bad films there.
And that is just my opinion, of course.
But as bad as Hulu was (and it was bad), I don’t recall ever not being able to find something to watch on Hulu FOR THIS LONG!
Really, Netflix…time to step up your game!
-The Tribe (no)
-Byzantium (even Saoirse Ronan couldn’t save this film)
And now on to my favorite category.
-1001 Grams (yikes…utter shite)
-Belgica (almost…but not…ugh)
-Detective Byomkesh Bakshy! (no no no no no)
-Harud (no…for fucksake!)
Ok, so that was quick, right?
That was (let’s count) 73 (!) films which I’ve tried to watch (many in the past week) which have been a total disappointment.
Not one of these did I watch all the way through.
It’s like a French person purchasing a sandwich from an American grocery store.
They take one bite and throw it in the trash.
Come on, Netflix!
Don’t make me cancel your sorry asses!
I don’t even have a category for how bad you’re failing right now as a company.